Monday, September 24, 2007

Uncle Nephew Ground Rules

Dear Sheppito,

Thank you for the note. I see that we need to establish some ground rules for how this particular uncle/nephew relationship is going to work.

1.) No calling your uncle out on the Internet!
2.) Uncles have free reign to de-mint all of your comic books by reading them with the cover bent backwards (trust me, I know, they'll never be worth anything anyway.)
3.) Do not imitate your father, only you think he is funny and it encourages him to act that way around grown ups.
4.) No pooping when I'm holding you (I can not budge on this one)
5.) Any backtalk about how Batman would beat up Spiderman gets you sent to your room.
6.) Once you're strong enough to carry 12 - 16 oz, my drink should never be empty.
7.) I will receive pictures and drawings and all manner of cutesy kiddie crap on a monthly basis (cross country postage to be paid by sender).
8.) You will save all of the truly difficult questions (where do babies come from? Why are my sheets wet? Etc.) for your parents. I will gladly help explain fractions and the nickel defense.
9.) While he's sleeping you will draw leg hair on your father at every conceivable opportunity.
10.) When we're playing GI Joe together, I get to be Snake-Eyes and drive the Aircraft Carrier!

I'm sure your Uncle Ben has his own expectations as well. I suspect that he will only allow back talk if it is in one of five languages that are not English.

For now, be good to your mom. Try to only kick in the mid afternoon and chill out in the evening. I'll see you soon.

Your uncle,

Addendum 9/24/2007 - Sheppito
Uncle Mark,
You are funny Tio. Just remember that rules go both ways and I'm working on a list for you. Most will involve you bequething your toys to me and promising to buy me presents before entering a room in which I occupy, even if you were just in said room minutes before. Looking forward to seeing you. Love, Sheppito.

1 comment:

latinyid said...

Uncle Ben's Ground Rules

1. Don't ask me about the man who sells rice. That's somebody else's Uncle Ben, not yours.

2. Ask Mommy and Daddy to provide me a Level 3 hazmat suit if they expect me to change diapers, along with a flowchart for the proceedure.

3. Indulge Uncle Ben's baby-talk. It will pass soon and it's not at as high a pitch as Grandma Nilsa's.

4. You'll learn basic Jamaican words, such as "rahtid," "batty," and "shell-rabbit." This will please Grandpa Skip endlessly.

5. When Uncle Ben reads you the Jerusalem Post in Hebrew, it's to get your ears used to the language. Conversely, if Grandpa Skip reads to you from a Chinese newspaper, indulge him as he grunts or laughs at the editorials.

6. Pictures with Grandpa Skip involve a lot of squinting. Look at a picture of your late Aunt Cuki for an example.

7. You must learn the 100th Psalm in Biblical Hebrew for your bar mitzvah. Start early.

8. I'll gladly take over where Uncle Mark leaves off on questions of import, such as Russian subjunctive declination or the French passé simple.

9. Uncle Ben does NOT speak rap. Nor does he dance salsa or tolerates "reggaeton." Keep this music out of his earshot.

10. Your cartoon watching must begin with classic WB cartoons dubbed into Spanish (they're infinitely funnier). We'll skip over Hannah-Barbera straight to "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" and "Samurai Jack."


Unkie B.